Intrinsic Traits, Positive Thinking and Being Delusional

(Elaborated forum post)

There are some guys (I may or may not be one of them), who need to have more good real qualities in order to gain, and especially to keep the level of woman they desire. Do you excite women with your passion and your brilliant future? Do you have the depth of thought and background to stimulate a smart woman? Are you attractive physically? Can you make her feel feminine and sexy? Can you provide for her financially as well as her other options? Can you blow her away in the sack?

The community is partly about marketing, but also about improving the quality of the product. The quality of the product matters, the marketing just earns you the opportunity for an introduction. For long term I would say the quality of the product is the only thing that matters.

The community is largely based around the idea that any guy can get any woman if he just does the right things which I believe is misleading.

I would say that just about any bag of traits, sufficiently polished, can pick up someone in a bar and get laid. Maybe even consistently. But there's a world of difference between that and the claim that any bag of traits, when sufficiently polished, can win over any woman. The good news is that with work, some of the intrinsic traits can be changed over time. Over time, any woman may be reachable, but at a given point in time, there will always be some women who are simply out of reach.

Does this contradict the idea that you should believe in yourself 100%? To have self-confidence, which is massively attractive, shouldn't you reject the negative energy of the nay-sayers and haters, and stay on the positive message that any woman would be absolutely privileged to be with you?

I am all for positive thinking.

There is a big difference between telling yourself you can become the most awesome man on the planet, vs. telling yourself you already are. One way motivates you to improve, and the other kills that motivation.

I think it's good to believe that you're the baddest motherfucker on the planet, in some contexts. But if it stops you from realistically assessing what good qualities you have and what needs improvement, then it's hurting you.

Don't dwell on the negative, and make sure to push the boundaries of what is possible, rather than sitting believing "I can't." But don't let the positive thinking stop you from being realistic.

Mojo Lair Drama Regarding DallasPUA

As many of you know, Mojo (creator of the DallasPUA website) and I have had a falling out. The short version is:

1. A guy named Mojo was expelled from the Dallas Seduction Lair, and he creates DallasPUA.com.
2. Mojo created an organization called the IC, and selected me as the new president.
3. Mojo leaves to travel the world, leaving the IC (primarily me) in charge of the lair and website.
4. Mojo removes my admin privileges and decides that while I am "lair leader" he owns the website.
5. I, along with the rest of the IC, and with the support of the members, create DallasLair.org.

The long version of the story is here: (PDF)

I am no longer affiliated with dallaspua.com, but the group and the people are the same, just now we're at The Dallas Lair.

Opening Up

Here is a problem I have been hearing men having lately: they get into this dynamic where the woman isn't contributing anything, and while she is participating, she is forcing him to do all the work in the conversation. It ends up being very one-sided and eventually the man gets sick of it (and isn't getting anywhere anyway), and he just gives up.

The stereotypical form is the dreaded question-loop:
PUA: Are you from here?
HB: Yup.
PUA: Cool, me too..
PUA: ... so what do you do?
HB: I'm in retail.
PUA: Do you like it?
HB: It's okay.
PUA: Um.. so do you have any pets?
HB: No
PUA: I gotta go find my friends.

The problem is that the man is providing the topic, but asking the woman to provide all the content. The man is not offering up anything personal, but is asking the woman to give personal information. The woman sabotages the conversation (deliberately or subconsciously) by giving one-word answers, so as to end the interview.

The problem is that you need to open up first. Divulge something interesting and somewhat personal, such as your own opinion or philosophy on something. It doesn't have to be deep, but it does have to be something about you.

The weather is supposed to be a no-no, because it's a pretty boring subject, but if you make it personal, it can be good. "You know, when it gets like this it reminds me... you know the thing that I like about the rain is that it feels like home. That feeling right before it's about to rain... you know, that smell.. I sorta miss it because ever since I moved to Texas, I don't really experience it very often." This is not really about the weather at all. It's about my feelings.

Then, when they see you're able to open up, they will feel comfortable talking about themselves.

Talk about yourself (first). Talk about your feelings and opinions and outlook and what makes you tick. Avoid talking about facts that don't convey character, such as what school you went to or what car you drive or what profession you're in, unless you can relate it to your character.

Then ask open ended questions (second). Don't ask her to open up more than you have opened up already. If you've taken the initiative, then it is perfectly fair to expect her to respond in kind.

Avoid talking about third-person stuff. Not that it works against you, but it doesn't help to establish a connection between the two of you. The blue whale is the largest animal to ever live, and you may have thousands of very interesting third-person facts that can keep her entertained for quite a while. But it demonstrates only that you are knowledgeable and very little about who you are. So I find it to be a waste of time in terms of establishing a relationship.

A lot of this stuff is paraphrased from stuff that Juggler teaches. I highly recommend his materials for general conversation skills.

Statistics

I'm torn as to whether to post updated statistics on here, because I want to publish it, but for regular readers or subscribers it's not very informative or interesting.

So I've added a section on the left, which I'll update occasionally. I'll include not only the total count, but also list the past few outings and who I was with. I might not include the venue because I don't want the venues to get over-crowded.

Natural?

Those of you who know me know that I am pretty particular when it comes to words and terminology.

It bugs the hell out of me when people talk about teaching Natural game. Because 'Natural' describes not a style of game, but rather how a person comes to learn to be good at game.

A Natural arrives at it through experiences in childhood and adolescence and perhaps some through talking to friends and maybe even a little reading about dating. But the Natural primarily comes to it not via the community or being taught.

To teach Natural Game is an oxymoron. Natural Game is not taught, by definition.

Nor does it really make sense for "Natural game" to mean "the style of game that Naturals have" because Naturals have lots of different styles. Some are flashy with money and symbols, some are physically built or socially dominant, and some lie through their teeth and make promises they never intend to keep. Plenty of Naturals are assholes that nobody wants to be around.

Some people wish they were Naturals. It's to be expected. I think the reason is pride. A Natural doesn't have to suffer the embarassment of looking outside for help in dating.

Natural game is not a bad thing try to sell. If you're selling Natural game, then everything else must be unnatural. And even though I'm following the instructions from an expert to do things I don't normally do, Natural game should feel natural to me. And we all know (and envy) how everything is effortless and magical with true Naturals. I'd love to awaken the inner Natural in me, because I want it to be effortless with me too.

Bullshit. Just goes to show if you choose words carefully you can own the frame.

Update on Statistics

A while ago someone called me a KJ. Whatever.

I've been keeping a log since September 21, 2007. Since I have a GF, I can't exactly sarge and push sets, but I still record when I go out to a bar or club to be social.

I've been out 89 out of the last 196 nights.

Some people read this!

It has recently come to my attention that some people read this blog. Who knew.

Coincidentally, lately I have been occasionally feeling like saying something about a particular company or pickup-related website, but I feel awkward posting it on DallasPUA because it's supposed to be plug-free. Even if it's something I truly like, and I'm not getting any kickback or benefit in any way, I don't want to be mistaken for marketing.

So a blog is a reasonable place for it to go.

Here's a website I was introduced to just a few days ago, thanks to Twitchy: It's called X & Y Communications, and the website is at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/

Yes, they have a blog and email newsletter, and they sell e-books (I haven't bought any). Same old business model. But I really like their advice. I signed up for their e-mail newsletter and it's WAY higher quality than any of the other dating-related newsletters I subscribe to. But don't take my word for it. Go and read their last few blog posts and you'll get what I'm talking about.