Two Years

Exactly two years ago, the weekend of November 17-19 2006, I drove to Austin to take a bootcamp with Sinn. My bootcamp, and my involvement with the community more broadly, has made a big difference in my life, and lately I have been thinking about where I have been, and where I am going.

Before I found the community
* I had no options with women, and very few sexual encounters.
* I felt the world was unfair, that it was stacked against men, because in my experience, the men were always offering, and the women were always choosing, meaning that women held all the sexual power.
* I had few friends outside of work, and my overall lifestyle was not very social.
* My image of how courtship should work was roughly in alignment with the hollywood image.
* I felt I had the qualities women "should" want, and therefore I did not need to do anything differently. If they failed to see how much I had to offer, that's their tragedy, not mine. I felt that in some moral righteous sense I shouldn't have to do or be anything other than what I was.

After my bootcamp and my experiences shortly thereafter, I experienced a major reframe and conditions improved for me dramatically. (I don't think bootcamps are for everyone, but for me it got me started on a big change.)
* I had female friends, some I was sexual with, and some I was not.
* I had options sexually, and I knew I could get more.
* While I previously thought the world was unfair, I now understood the world was asymmetric, but not unfair. In fact there are major advantages to being a man, among them the fact that attractiveness is largely non-physical, meaning it can be improved. Women are largely stuck with whatever attractiveness they're born with.
* I grew to have friends outside of work and be more social generally.
* I learned the hollywood image of courtship was bullshit.
* I learned the distinction between what women "should" want, what they say they want, and what they do want. Men and women think in very different ways, and the way I had projected from my own psychology what women "should" want was grossly unrealistic. It is what it is.

For me it was an entirely new (and better) life, which has been getting better and better over the past 2 years.

But what I really wanted, even from the beginning, I have not yet found. And I'm starting to think that doing more of what I've been doing, even if I were to get more and more skilled, and incrementally happier, might not get me to my goal, which is to find the woman who is so exceptional that I can stop looking. Who delights not only body (the easy part), but also mind, and if I may, soul.

Assuming such a person exists (and I believe she does), wouldn't I inevitably find her by gaming more and better? If not, why not?

Here's my thinking. Both venue and behavior (game) act to filter the options. I've been gaming almost exclusively in bars. And not coincidentally, the techniques I learned are geared toward typical women found in bars. What if I got extremely good at gaming the typical woman found in a bar? Sure, I might get laid a lot. But if the woman I truly want is not that type, then I will encounter her only rarely, and my ordinarily successful behaviors might be horrible for winning her.

So I'm taking a step back and considering the broader picture. More women from bars may not help me. What do I really find fulfilling? Where would I find such a woman?

I believe that women who are highly socialized, who partied a lot in high school, and who go to bars a lot, develop a princess complex in direct relation to their physical attractiveness. Moreso if that's all they have. The world teaches them they don't have to be especially smart, and they know they can treat men poorly and get away with it, in the sense that it won't cause most men to stop trying to get in their pants.

Contrast with a hypothetical "non-bar" type who is equally attractive physically, but who stays home and reads, instead of going out. She might be much more genuine, and more interested in establishing a real connection. Perhaps she can better appreciate some of the qualities I have, and treats men better in general. Perhaps she is also smarter and therefore better at keeping an interesting conversation.

The non-bar woman may be a businesswoman, nurse, writer, teacher, engineer, or many other categories, but she is probably not a waitress, bartender, model, or stripper.

Ironically, I suspect winning over the non-bar type might be the least influenced by "game" and most influenced by character, which can be changed over time, but can't really be faked.

(The party-girl vs. non-bar girl is an extreme simplification, if not pure delusion, but I think the concept is useful in helping me clarify what I want.)

In a way, I feel like I've had a diversion. Like if my goal were to be a tennis champion but I had been training for a marathon. The experience is good in general, and indirectly helpful to the specific goal, but it won't get me there.

But it's funny how things work out sometimes, because without the techniques and women pulled from bars, I probably wouldn't have gotten much closer to figuring out what I ultimately want. Even knowing what I know now, I'd do it all over again.

What does this mean for the future? While my perspective on my personal long term goals is changing somewhat, some things are NOT changing: I still enjoy meeting the guys, and helping when I can. Of course I like my friends just as much as before. And I am no less interested in meeting new women for the shorter term, even in bars. This mental reframe might even make me more motivated in bar settings. We'll see.

In the end, I think this change in perspective just means that over the next weeks and months I'll be diversifying into other means of meeting women in addition to the cold approach. It should be interesting. I'm looking forward to it.